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Tag: vajannies

Women's Bits

There I was at my keyboard, writing about something sensible and semi-important, when this news popped up on my screen: “Nearly Half of Young Women in the U.K. Don’t Know Where Their Vagina Is.” And because a headline like that can’t be ignored, you’ll just have to wait for a sensible, semi-important column another time.

My first reaction to this news, naturally, was shock. I hadn’t realized that so many British women share a vagina. And not a one of them could track the thing down? To paraphrase Oscar Wilde, for one woman to lose such a thing may be regarded as misfortune; for hundreds to lose it looks like carelessness.

I kept reading and learned that a survey of 1,000 British women revealed that only half of those aged 26-35 were able to correctly identify the vagina on a simple diagram of a woman’s reproductive system. And I mean simple. Like if there’d been a “You are here” icon, the survey participants could have spun 180 degrees and seen their vaginas is how simple it was.

The survey also showed that while young gals generally did not know which way was up, older women could tell an ovary from a uterus just fine and a cervix from a fallopian tube, thank you very much.

Don't Say 'Vagina'

It was the “vagina” heard round the world. Michigan State Rep. Lisa Brown was on the House floor, speaking out against a bill that would restrict abortion access, when she uttered these bons mots:

“And finally, Mr. Speaker, I’m flattered that you’re all so interested in my vagina, but no means no.”

From that place of interest, a great controversy was born. Republican House leaders barred Brown, a Democrat, from speaking in the state legislature the following day for trouncing on “the decorum of the House of Representatives.” They called into question her “maturity and civility.”

And feminists — as you might imagine — blew a flipping fuse. Brown and other women lawmakers performed The Vagina Monologues on the Capitol steps before 3,000 Michiganites waving signs like “MI-gina” and “I have a vagina, a voice, and a vote.” Their point, and it’s a good one: How can you dare legislate a body part that you can’t even speak of aloud?

Vajazzling Is Befuddling

I live to sparkle. To glimmer. To gleam. Blame it on my name, or too many formative hours spent draping Barbie in disco lamé (that’s lah-MAY, which, for the record, is the distinct shimmering opposite of “lame”). Whatever the cause, the result is that I wear sequined sneakers, carry a rhinestone-peppered purse, and shot a titanium stud through my nostril so I could have permanent bling on my face.

I’m a chick who likes to twinkle, okay? But I draw the line at gilding the lily.

A scintillating new trend in girly grooming has some gals (let’s call them “adventurous”) bedecking their vajannies with jewels. That’s right. Paving the privates with stick-on gems in custom designs: heart, starburst, fleur-de-lis.

More resplendent than the downtown display itself is the fun-to-utter name of this privates practice: It’s called vajazzling. And some celebs find it va-dazzling. D-lister Kathy Griffin, Snooki from Jersey Shore, and Jennifer Love Hewitt are all stuck on the habit like diamonds on a … well, you get the idea.

Is Waxing Waning?

Times are lean. Money’s tight. Something’s gotta give. Surveys show women are cutting back on their beauty regimens to save dollars: painting their own nails, giving up facials, and stocking up, alas, on Clairol Root Touch-Up in Medium Golden Blonde.
“The economy,” one of my girlfriends confessed, “is wreaking havoc on my nails and hair.”
But not all hair.
I’m always amused at how women’s and men’s pubic hair styles change with the times. In the ’70s, the pages of Playboy were overgrown with va-jungles. Today the Best Razor for Manscaping Below the Belt is being pushed as hard as BBQ’s used to be. With the preference of centerfolds looking like nursing mothers up top and nine-year-old girls below. Skin, as they say, is in.
Gals of all ages seem to favor the Brazilian wax, which cannot be explained adequately without violating obscenity laws. But I’ll try: The waxer removes every flipping follicle on the waxee’s, um, undercarriage, up her backside, and anything (or everything) she wants taken off in front. Landing strip. Triangle. Cougar paw. Or need-a-muff naked.
Since fashion spins in cycles, one has to wonder: How soon before the pube pendulum swings back from bare to bushy? What will it take to end the trend toward hairless hoo-has?

Designer Vaginas

If it weren’t for my girlfriends, I would know nothing.

Over delicate lunches and sloppy happy hours, they keep me abreast of life’s juicy tidbits; which teachers are retiring and which couples divorcing, which restaurants are closing and which movies opening.

But my gal pals caught me off guard recently when they told me about a freaky new nether-trend. I was biting into an overpriced burger downtown when one of my diva dining companions let this rip:

“Ever heard of a labe trim?”

Surely I had heard her wrong; I demanded clarification.

“Getting snipped. Down there. You know… to make it… neater.”

She could have at least waited ’til I was finished chewing.

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